During the last five months, I have pretty much been at a loss for what to write. Without knowing what we were going to do, I found myself loathe to write about the massive amounts of vitriol coursing through my veins. I didn't want to have to backtrack out of really horrible things that I would have said about GB, and I do have some family that reads this little chronicle. If we would have decided to reconcile, that would have made for some awfully awkward family gatherings afterward.
That doesn't mean that I need to spew it all now. I just feel the need to explain that even though I've been the biggest blog-slacker on the internet for a long time, It has nothing to do with a lack of desire to write or any sort of abandonment of this medium. I just learned that whole if-you-can't-say-something-nice-don't-say-anything-at-all lesson too well growing up. Well, maybe not completely. But enough to know that I only had over-the-top horrible things to say, as opposed to normally horrible.
I did write, just things that aren't meant for public consumption. It was all really boring and tedious, but to sum up: lots of self-loathing, lots of pain, lots of crying, lots of depression, some self-destructive behavior, lots of really pathetic crap, decision made, weight lifted. I think I'm already starting to be a bit less of a raging lunatic in the office. I just have a bit more emotional reserve to deal with some of the really stupid questions that come my way without having to take that out on the people asking them.
And mostly, I really miss being the giddy, happy, silly person I used to be before all of this. I'm looking forward to finding her again.
The Monk of Mokha by Dave Eggers
2 months ago