The Reverse Vampire

This week, I went down to the blood center and donated a pint. So the title of this post refers to me. I don't need no stinking blood!

I haven't given blood for a long time. I've always done it when there was a blood drive being done where I was, but I hadn't sought it out since I sold plasma to supplement my grader's income in college. Recently, I decided it was high time to work towards completing that first gallon (two more to go). I found where to donate here in town, then proceeded to catch the flu. Once I'd been better for a while, I was ready to get in and lose some blood.

The process is quick, taking longer to determine if I'm healthy enough to give blood than to actually drain it out. Afterwards, as I drank orange juice and ate crackers, I found myself chatting with the phlebotomist about why more people don't donate blood. Since only 3% of eligible adults in the US actually donate, I just can't accept that all those people are needle-phobes. Apparently, most people don't donate because they've simply never been asked to do it.

So, I'm curious -- do you donate or don't you? If not, why not?

Big Plans

Last night, on my flight back home, I ended up sitting next to a little girl. It was a long flight, and she was obviously bored (I can't remember how many times she read the airplane safety card from the seat pocket in front of her), so she started telling me about herself. She's 14, but she'll be 15 soon. Her mom lives in Texas and her dad lives in California, so she travels back and forth a lot. She generally spends a couple months with one parent and then switches to the other. As a result, she doesn't go to school much. It takes them a while to figure out how long she's staying and then they get around to getting her enrolled, and then she leaves again. She's been in Texas since February, but since it's May and school's almost over, she won't bother going again until the fall. She also has a boyfriend that she's been with since she was 9. They are getting married when she turns 18 -- she already has a ring. She has two older brothers who are really good friends with this guy, and everyone approves of their plan. Her mom just wants to make sure she waits until she's married before she has kids, so this seems the best way to do that. Once they get married they'll honeymoon in Amsterdam before they settle in Colorado, because it's pretty there.

Now, I realize I got all this information from her perspective, so some of it may be off, but it still scares me. I'm not planning to write about how her family is failing her from a gazillion directions. Instead, I'm more concerned with all the plans she's made and how set she is on them and how devastated she'll be if things don't go according to them. And, let's face it -- that seems likely. This is pretty forefront in my brain, since I just divulged how I had these plans about imaginary children on a very real timeline. I hadn't figured out what schools they'd go to or which sports they'd participate in or anything like that, but I still had enough figured out in my brain to be disappointed when my expectations were delayed again and again.

Or, I could just be bitter that she has so much confidence that this will all work out and I wish I could still have that kind of hope. Instead, I find myself rewriting plans in my head all the time with caveats and alternate paths and worst case scenarios. I hope this girl's can be the kind of hope that turns a person into an eternal optimist.

Happy Mother's Day?

Mother's Day has become an increasingly difficult holiday for me. In my more naive years, I assumed that getting married at 21 meant we'd start having kids by 25, and have a nice trio by 31. Three months from my 31st birthday that picture is clearly out of synch with the real world. Recently, I was playing with a friend's 3-year-old who announced, "You're a mommy like my mommy." They must have been talking about how mommies are adult women and daddies are adult men in daycare or something, and I seemed to fit the bill of a woman. Then, kids are one thing, but for some reason I had two women that sent me emails towards the end of last week signed off with "Happy Mother's Day!" I guess they thought they were being friendly, but it was depressing and hurtful instead.

Let me just try to be real clear here -- don't wish women Happy Mother's Day if they don't have kids. It's not Happy Woman's Day, and it's not the time to try to motivate people to reciprocate in kind just because you're so happy you're a mother. This is a holiday for people who actually are, or have been, responsible for the raising of a child. It's a time to thank your mother for how she helped you become the person you are today. It's also, unfortunately, a time to remind people who don't have kids that it's not a day for them.

I completely understand that some people don't want children, and are happy to have no part in this holiday (I doubt they want to be wished a Happy Mother's Day either). Others aren't in a place in their lives to be ready for that leap into parenthood. No problem. Some of us, however, wish we did, and would prefer not to be reminded that we're not there yet.

I've actually been reading blogs from a few folks struggling with infertility, some for a while now. Not that I'm actually dealing with the same sorts of medical issues that they are, but because I'm struggling with some of the same emotional issues. I'm ready for all the joys and pains that come with parenthood, and parenthood isn't ready for me. It's not easy to talk about, because it's not like we have any clinical fertility issues that we know of. I can't even bring myself to write about it here, but suffice it to say that we don't need an RE, we need a psychiatrist. So, we're not ready to go down any procreation paths. But I want to. Really. So quit trying to make me feel bad, and let me just celebrate this holiday as a daughter.

I Hate Congress

I have posted before about how idiotic Daylight Savings Time is. And now I've lost an hour, when I really could have used it (What do you MEAN the movers are coming in a week??). I can't stand that they've imposed more of this DST on my life, and moved it up to occur right in the middle of My Big Move.

And now, we basically have 4 months of the year in our real time zone, and the rest in the shifted time zone. What's the point of even being in the Central Time Zone? I think I'm going to start saying that I'm in Adjusted Mountain Time. Pretty soon, though, I'll be in Pacific Time, and I don't know what the time zone just west of Pacific is called.

Oh, and if I hear one more person talk about how this gives us "more" daylight, they're going to get an earful from me.

Organic Food Production

After reading Kyle's post on the topic, and the associated Economist article, I found myself with a lot of questions and thoughts that I felt the article skipped over. So, I decided to accumulate those here.

I do buy organic, not because the food is better, but because it promotes sustainable food production. Conventional farming taxes the land pretty extensively, requiring synthetic pesticides and fertilizers to produce crops. Those synthetic products, apart from any side effects to the planet, require non-renewable resources to be created. Oil specifically. As a result, a significant amount of energy goes into producing the food than is received back out in the crop. From the National Organics Standard Board, here is the definition of organic:

Organic agriculture is an ecological production management system that promotes and enhances biodiversity, biological cycles and soil biological activity. It is based on minimal use of off-farm inputs and on management practices that restore, maintain and enhance ecological harmony.

It would seem, that while organic farmers certainly do still use fertilizers and methods of controlling pests, they have to do it in ways that rely on the most renewable of energy resources, the sun. This only seems like it would benefit the world in the long term, and would further reduce our dependence on foreign oil.

I was also under the impression that there is a significant amount of food that is produced in the United States that is destroyed each year because the supply far outweighs the demand. It seems this is primarily in the rice and grain categories, but if there is motivation to use that farm land in a sustained way for other crops that fall under the organic label, then I want to continue to support that. And there is no better motivation than higher margins from consumers that are willing to spend more money for the same food.

So, even if The Economist tells me I'm wasting my money and harming the earth by purchasing organic foods, I'm going to keep doing it. I enjoyed having my choices challenged, though. It forced me to go look things up and make sure that I wasn't just making myself feel better by some rationalization.

I Can't See What They're Thinking

I have quite a few blind and visually impaired acquaintences. It helps to understand the struggles, since I'll likely be there, myself, at some point in the future. Meanwhile, one of the things that always causes problems for them is our stinking US paper money. Some of them have elaborate ways of folding different denominations so they can find them in their wallets. Some keep certain bills in one pocket and other bills in a different pocket to keep them straight. But nearly always, they have to rely on other people to tell them which bills are which, and this results in trust issues and sometimes, I'm sorry to say, they are taken advantage of.

And then you go anywhere else in the world, and you see how that country's money wouldn't present the same challenges that ours does. Each denomination is a different size, or has the demonination numerals punched out in the money, and often different colors, which helps the folks who can see a little. Obviously, this would make their lives easier.

But in a recent statement from our government, they are appealing a ruling by a district court that our paper currency is discriminatory to blind people. The district court had noted that there are 180 countries in the world with paper money, and we're the only country that doesn't accommodate for visual impairments with our money in some way. The ruling says we can punch holes in our money or put Braille lettering on our money or make them different sizes, but we have to make it possible for all people in our country who use our money to be able to use our money.

Our government claims that it would be too hard for the vending machines to get switched. Is the Vending Machine Lobby honestly that powerful, that our government would send out a stupid sounding appeal? Thay also claim that varying the size would be inordinately expensive. Then vary the color and punch out numbers or add Braille dots!

Meanwhile, they say that the money isn't discriminatory, because blind folks can use portable currency readers. Oh sure, they can all afford to spend $270 to find out which money they are spending. The other option the appeals brief offers is that they could use credit cards. Can you find any segment of people that all qualify for credit cards? And since when does every retailer in the US take a credit card? One of our favorite restaurants over here only takes cash and check -- so blind people just aren't allowed to eat there because the VML is more important?

Questionable Pictures

Recently in the local news, there has been much buzz about a teacher who took pictures of girls at his school. He's taken pictures of their rear ends in the hallway at school, and even took pictures of them going up and down the escalator in the local mall, all without their knowledge. Obviously, this guy must be a sicko.

You may know where I'm going with this, but just in case you don't, I'll continue.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't get where the problem is in this "crime". The girls didn't know they were being photographed until the story broke. So, it's not like he took them into a room and forced them to dress a certain way or pose provocatively. Just girls walking through the mall. Surely the pictures couldn't have been that sexy if they were doing their normal thing out in public at school and in the mall. Well, they could, but this is not a post about skimpy teenage fashions. Regardless, they weren't forced to do or wear anything they didn't choose of their own accord.

I honestly don't care if he takes a gazillion pictures in public places and jacks off to each and every one of them during his sad life at home. It's kind of like how my husband doesn't like me to line-dry my underthings in the back yard, because there is an apartment building behind us, and he's concerned that some sick guy is getting some pleasure out of looking at my bra hanging there. Personally, that doesn't bother me at all. As long as the guy never involves the girls directly, it seems like a victimless activity. The girls didn't know they were being photographed, so how could that be traumatizing to them until the story details became public? According to the stories, the teacher never made any threats to the girls or touched them inappropriately or tried to get them alone or anyrhing like that. So what is he being jailed for?

My concern is that he is being charged with the assumption that he would try to physically do something in the future. The logic there is that the pictures now would lead to molestation or rape at some point in the future. It is totally unacceptable in the United States of America that we would jail someone on the supposition that they might do something at some point in the future. That gets all Minority Report and creepy. Even more creepy than some dude taking picture of girls in the school hallway.

It sends me down a whole other tangent about jailing terror conspirators before they've actually done anything. But that will have to be left for another day.

An "Extra" Hour

Saturday night, we received the best present possible -- time. I went to bed late, slept in the next morning, and still had time to run my four miles, take a shower and be to church early. What decadence!

Then the confusion sets in as I try to keep track of which clocks have been updated and which have not. But is all this stress and changing of clocks really necessary?

In this map of the time zones, you can easily see that those of us in the United States have been victims of some pretty severe time zone gerrymandering. Clearly, from this diagram, if our lines hadn't been moved all over the place to align with something that someone thought would be more right, the city of Austin would have been in section T -- placing us seven hours before Universal Time, and therefore in traditional Mountain Time. In general, that means we would stay in the Central Daylight Time we just left all year round.

While I enjoyed my extra hour of sleep this weekend, I still think we should have stayed in CDT, or more appropriately, we should be in Mountain Standard Time all year long. Why do I feel this way? I run in the morning, so you'd think I would want light for that time. However, I have mostly run in the dark till now anyway, so light a little earlier is not likely to affect me. Mostly, though, I abhor the fact that it will now be dark when I leave work today. I hate the early hastening of the dark sad time of the year known as winter, when the days get so short that you start to forget what the sun looks like. I know I shouldn't complain -- I'm so far south that this is barely an issue compared to all the folks that live in the north. But I've grown spoiled with the days of sunshine, and I depend on it to remain sane (if you can call me sane). Without the abrupt changing of the hours, I would have been eased into this part of the year where I leave work in the dark. I might have had time to adjust. But now, when I left work on Friday it was light, and when I leave today, the sun will have already departed. No adjustment period allowed.

I know Daylight Savings Time was initially suggested as a way to help out farmers dealing with businesses, primarily banks, be able to work their fields and still get to town as necessary. At this point, that argument is now archaic and completely useless. People are expected to continue to remember an arbitrary rule set up during a time when the country was virtually entirely agrarian, when most of us now couldn't even distiguish a combine from a hay baler. Last year congress wasted time while figuring out the latest energy bill to debate adding four more weeks to daylight savings time. Apparently this was, at least partly, motivated by a desire to give the kids more daylight in which to collect candy on Halloween. If, instead, they had just spent the same time realigning our country with the longitude lines that were originally intended to be used in time zone definition, we'd all be better off.

Some people say that the lines squiggle around to keep whole states together in the same time zone. If that's the case, then why are so many states, including Texas, divided anyway? if you're going to divide South Dakota into two zones, why not divide it along the longitude line, rather than some other arbitrary location? I, for one, wouldn't care if Austin was in Mountain Time and Houston was in Central Time. It would just add to the flavor of the state.

Why isn't this incredibly important issue front-and-center on everyone's election platforms this year? If someone promised me they'd move Austin into Mountain Time, I'd vote for them.

Paying for Clean Energy

I recently started to respond to a post on clean energy, and found that I had more to say than I thought. So, I decided to post on the topic here on my own blog.

I honestly think that if those of us with the means to pay for for cleaner energy don't opt to do so, we are dooming the ability for those energy producers to get to the point where they can make energy cheaper for the general public.

I would equate the need to pay more for cleaner energy in the short term less to a moral issue and more like the ability for more wealthy people to pay for a higher quality of health care. You get better health care if you can pay more, whether that's through your insurance or your own cash. Whether you agree with that or not, that's the way it is. As treatments become more common, and more sought after, they become cheaper and covered by more insurance plans, and they become available to people with less means.

For people with the means to pay for cleaner energy who choose not to do so, they are acting irresponsibly with the lives of those who come after us. It's sort of like knowing there is a procedure that would save your child's life when they are deathly ill, no moral or religious concerns about the procedure, and having the means to proceed, but just choosing not to have it done. Are we really that callous a people?

So, what is my family doing on this front? If we weren't doing something, that would make us awfully hypocritical. We have been trying to get on the City of Austin Green Power program, but it's very popular and nearly impossible to become a part of it. We have decided that solar energy the only way to participate in the immediate term from our location in the city, since we don't have enough land to produce our own wind or hydro energy. We've investigated the ability to sell any overflow power back to the energy grid, looked into the different technologies available for solar panels, and are saving up for the initial outlay for the equipment. We expect to have those panels in place within the year.

There are always other things to do to reduce your energy footprint, and other things that we are doing at our house, as well. I would submit that if you have a computer and enough free time to have read this entry, that you have the means to make decisions to help the environment with your money. And nothing speaks louder to our country than how you choose to spend your money. What are you doing?

Really Menial Jobs

One of my favorite mental pasttimes is to think about ways to automate certain repetitive tasks, I suppose that's why I'm in the industry I'm in, doing the job I'm doing -- automating the transfer of data all over the place. Not the most exciting stuff to write about, exciting to do, but not really good material, so to speak. So, I think about other, more mechanical, automations.

It all started with my favorite Mister Rogers Neighborhood episode as a child. It was the one where he showed us how they make crayons. I was completely enthralled with the way the wax is poured into a mold and then a machine wraps the paper around them and puts them in a box. It was impressive to me that this process could be done completely without human intervention. I also assumed there was a time when this wasn't such an automated process, and people had to do things like stick crayons in a box for a living.

My grandpa worked on the factory line at Ford all his life. After a while, it became clear that he needed to learn automation skills, or he would be phased out. So, he become a robotics tech and learned everything he needed to fix the machines that built the cars, rather than building the cars themselves. So, I come by my interest naturally.

There are a lot of things I buy that I can see how it would have been produced through an automated process of some kind. There is one I was thinking of this morning that I couldn't come up with anything for, however, so I was hoping you could help me. As a kid, I loved the Strawberry Shortcake dolls, and I had most of them. I can see how the little plastic dolls could be made automatically, and how their little clothes could, in many cases be made without human intervention. But how do you get their little clothes on the little dolls? Same goes for Barbies or any other dolls. I hate to think there are people (or even worse, children) whose job it is to put clothes on dolls all day long.

I Don't Get Mad Often...

But when I do, you better get out of my way.

I nearly spit nails over this stunt David Blaine pulled this evening. I decreed I would not watch it, but since my resolve to not watch TV has been lacking and with the can't-avoid-watching-a-train-wreck phenomenon, I found myself flipping to it periodically. In case you didn't see anything about this special, it was about this magician-turned-side-show-freak who decided to hold his breath for nine minutes on live television. Why did this make me so mad? I'll tell you.

Nine minutes is hard. That's fine, but then if you know that the time would be a new world record, you'd know that. Then why hang out in a tank of water for a week and have yourself chained to the bottom of that tank so that your stunt includes not only the holding of your breath for longer than anyone else has in a record attempt, but also after subjecting your body to unknown stressors for water living for that long and picking of handcuff locks to boot? What is he really trying to prove? That he's still a magician/escape artist, and not just doing some stunt that someone else could try, too? I don't get it.

Then, if you lose consciousness holding your breath on your couch for 5 minutes, what makes you think you can do nearly twice that long in water? I hope that was early in his training, because that's a lot of time to increase. They had video of him laying on a couch and the people watching him told him he'd reached the 5-minute point, and a few seconds later he sputtered a breath, and asked how long he went. He never heard them announce 5 minutes. Hint, hint: that means there's not enough oxygen getting to your brain, dude. If there's not enough oxygen getting to your brain at 5 minutes, even with training it's going to be tough to make it 4 more minutes. I know there is a mammalian dive reflex that lowers your heartrate and allows you to use less oxygen if your face is in the water, but not four minutes worth.

And lastly, they threw out the Audrey card. Any of you who follow freediving or have had a subscription to Sports Illustrated in the last five years have most likely heard about Audrey. She was an unfortunate diver whose equipment malfunctioned (we'll give the benefit of the doubt for this particular entry) at the bottom of a world-record-attempting dive. As a result, she was under water almost 10 minutes (not the 8:30 the show cited), and was unable to be revived. While virtually everything that can go wrong did, her dive is not an indicator of how dangerous a 9-minute breathhold is. In fact, the only way a breathhold dive is dangerous is if you're dumb enough to do it alone. Otherwise, your buddy should always be able to pull you out and spontaneous breathing will commence. In a depth dive, the oxygen in your lungs is significantly compressed under the pressure of the depth, so it doesn't become as available to your core and brain as a surface dive allows. Comparing a dive to 170 meters (nearly 560 feet, or 46 stories) to a dive where you're hanging out in a tank with your forehead sticking out of the water is worse than apples to oranges. And in excessively poor taste, since her attempt didn't just fail, she died.

The only good thing that came out of this is that David Blaine failed. He had to be rescued from his tank at just over seven minutes. He's not in the record books for this stunt.

Coming Out of Hiding

My husband and I have gone to Mexico for a friend's wedding. I very seldom make him go to anything, but this was one of those things that I told him wasn't optional -- he was coming to this wedding. He is a bit of a hermit (or homebody if you feel that is a nicer term), and really doesn't like to go out much. I, on the otherhand, start to feel stir-crazy if I'm home too many nights in a week. For the first couple of years we were married, I tried to go out only when he wanted to. And then I started to resent him with all the invitations we turned down (and subsequently stopped receiving). So, somewhere along the line I realized it was okay for me to go out without him when an invitation came up for something that interested me. I didn't really realize how often I did this until we arrived in Mexico.

The bride-to-be's sister met my husband and I in the hotel lobby with a gaggle of other folks. Later, the bride relayed her comment to me: "How serious is Heather with that guy?" Nearly eight years of marriage later, I guess we're pretty serious.

Most other couples are referred to by both their names -- The Guy and The Girl (order generally depending on which of them you knew first, or better). When people talk about inviting us to things, they say "Heather, you wanna come? Oh, and if your husband wants to come too, that's fine." He's the afterthought. I don't want him to be the afterthought, but I don't want to wait and only leave the house the 2 times a year he feels like it, either.

Early Expectations

A few weeks ago, my little sister came to our house for her Spring Break. She is just sixteen, and a sophomore in highschool. My parents were sending her to us under the auspices that we would visit colleges and help her figure out where she wants to go to school when she graduates. Did anyone miss the part about her being a sophomore? In case you did, I'll put it in different terms: 10th grade.

So, in my talks with her leading up to the visit, I said we would just tell them we visited colleges, and they wouldn't be the wiser. My dad, particularly, continued to harp on the subject, so I finally acquiesced. We would visit some schools.

When she got here, though, I couldn't do it. Saturday came and went. Then Sunday and Monday. Tuesday morning I pulled together everything I could and we visited UT, Concordia, and Texas State, all in a span of about 2 and a half hours (an hour of that was the drive back and forth from TX St). By visited, I mean we drove through and talked about the relative merits and drawbacks of very small, medium-sized, and large schools. And then we were done. I promised no more lapses in our refusing to visit schools.

We did everything else, though, and by the end of the week I was completely worn out. Mostly I tried to get her to understand that her opinions and desires and strengths are valid, even if they don't match Dad's expectations of her. I don't think I succeeded, but I laid some groundwork for some further conversations. It's pretty difficult to undo in one week the damage my dad does all year.

I know he has the best intentions, he just doesn't always push his agenda in the best way possible. I know they are also older now than when I was in highschool -- more ready than ever to finally be empty-nesters. I try to remind them it's not her fault that she was born so much later in the family's life cycle, but I know she still gets that vibe. How could any kid not get that vibe.

Regardless, when I dropped her off at the airport to head back home, I called my dad. I told him we hadn't figured anything out during the week, and that I considered it a personal victory that she said she is now more confused than she was when she came to our house. I was a bit stern with him, reminding him that she has 18 months before she even has to apply to places, much less decide where to go or what to major in. (I left out the part where I told her it was okay if she didn't go to college, too. We have to work up to that possibility.) I told him to let her focus on trying to stay in that top 10 percent of her class, and not worry about selecting her career (and husband, and the date she'll have children, etc.) until much later.

Why would I ever need to have children of my own? I have my little sisters (the other one has her own set of dramatics). And more than that, I have my dad to keep me busy.

Customer Bracket Bragging

Quite a few of my customers made it to the big dance this year. Last year, I only had 5 in the tournament. This year, it's 8 of my 62 customers. That's a pretty good percentage, considering how many of my customers aren't Division I schools or are all together in one of the wimpy conferences that only gets their automatic bid. Here's the breakdown, by seed, for my little list of customers that made it this year:

2 Ohio State
5 Syracuse
5 Pittsburgh
6 Michigan State
9 Bucknell
12 Texas A&M
12 Kent State
15 Pennsylvania

Unfortunately, I am guaranteed to lose two of my customers in the first round, since they are in head-to-head 5/12 matchups. And of course there's my 15-seed. But overall, it was a good showing. I know it seems strange to look at things like this, but last year, I bet against Bucknell, even though they were my customer. And you all know how that went down. Well maybe you don't, but they upset Kansas, and 14 seeds just don't do that very often.

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Meanwhile, I am so pumped about my Aggies. The first trip to the big dance in nearly 20 years. It's certainly the first time since I've been paying attention. Do they have a tough road ahead of them? Sure. But you have to watch out for those 5/12 pairings. Every year one or two 5 seeds fall in the first round. I hope my "little team that could" can be one of those. And have I ever mentioned that I'm ecstatic that Josh Carter is just a freshman this year? And that Acie Law and Joe Jones are still juniors, and we'll get another year out of them? The prospects for next year are so good, I can hardly contain myself.

Austin is a Great Place to Live

When I first moved to Austin, I didn't really like it. Of course, that might have been the unemployment or the waiting tables or the apartment with the bars on the windows. Regardless, in time, Austin has really grown on me. Here are some of the best things about Austin.

This city is quite the outdoorsy locale. People hike and swim and run and cycle and generally participate in tons of stuff outside. There is a plethora of available races for all athletic levels, and participants in said races tend to be incredibly supportive of their fellow racers. It's just the kind of place that encourages activity. After my announcement that I wanted to do a marathon in another year, I've gotten so many training suggestions, books, offers to run together, etc. It's very encouraging and exciting.

Downtown is quite the bustling place, full of fun restaurants and hangouts, and generally nifty things to do. So many cultures are reflected in the food and the atmosphere of the places that are available.

And finally, but most importantly, one of the state mental hospitals is located here. This makes things easier when it's time to check in. Or easier to visit my husband when I have him checked in.

Family Differences

This weekend there was a day where I straightened my hair. Now my hair isn't excessively curly, but it is wavy, and sometimes a bit unruly. It really threw my husband off for me to have straight hair. At one point he came up behind me and said, "You look like someone in my family with your hair like that."

I reminded him that I am a member of his family.

...

This has been an ongoing struggle for us. His family sees blood as the only definer of family, and mine sees it as the people you choose to spend time with. At our wedding reception, one of the other people that had married into my husband's family came up to me and welcomed me to "The Outlaws (because we'll never be in-laws, you see)." And that's pretty much how it's been. I wasn't allowed to go to the grandfather's funeral, because those kinds of things are "just for family." And on, and on.

This causes us both a lot of issues. I constantly feel like an outsider in what should be my family. He feels like he is treated too familiarly, but can't tell my parents that he already has a Mom and Dad and doesn't need any more sets.

So, I'm curious and I want to ask you, kind readers, whether you have seen similar differences in the way family is perceived, and whether you've found creative solutions to the outsider/insider dilemma.

The Godfather

My husband became a godfather yesterday. There is a lot of irony to this, since he hasn't been to church in almost two years. Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought the point of this kind of role was one of a spiritual nature. I do know that people without any religious connection use the term, but in this case it is being bestowed in a church as part of a baptism. He promised to keep this little baby in his prayers and to make sure he learned all the important tenets of Christianity. I just hope they weren't completely empty promises.

Being a Manager

Being a manager is great when everything is humming along swimmingly. Things aren't so great when someone who works for you isn't doing the bang-up job you'd hoped for. Performance issues are some of the hardest things to deal with. You have a responsibility to the company and the rest of the employees to address the issue, but when you're as afraid of conflict as I tend to be, it's downright terrifying. I've had several issues I've had to deal with in my career, and the hardest are the ones with people that really want to do the work, and be good at it, but they just aren't getting there.

This most recent issue has been one of those times.

Bruce* has a great attitude, and really wants to be at the company. He tries hard, and wants to do a great job in the position, but he's just not picking things up. I have explained things differently, and over again, and again, and again. I have had other people explain the concepts to him (thinking a different approach might be all he needs). I have adjusted my expectations, knowing that I am a hard boss and it can be difficult to meet my very high expectations for those who work for me. I've gone back and forth over and over about what I didn't do right -- what I didn't teach him, what I might have expected him to pick up on on his own, etc. Believe me, if people who used to work for me at other companies didn't ask me on a regular basis if they could come work for me again, I would take these times hard and assume I was a terrible manager. However, at some point I have to say he isn't the right fit for this job. That is what I finally had to do, and proceeded to have a heart-to-heart with Bruce. Nice guy that he is, he made my job a little easier, and decided to quit. He's finishing out the week, and then it's on to other things.

I would love to never have these kinds of situations come up again. Invariably, though (unless I start working somewhere where the only employee is me), it will. As my mentor told me when I had my very first situation like this come up when I was in my first management role, "If this gets easy, it's time to stop managing people." I've taken that to heart, and I hope I've been kind to Bruce. In time I hope he even sees that this leads to some sort of positive change in his life.

Good luck to you, Bruce. I truly mean that.

* Name changed to protect privacy.