I Cannot...

My company has a beginner level flag football team, and we had our first game tonight. Let me give you the run-down on the things I have (re)discovered I don't do well.

• Catch a pass. I apparently am incapable of catching a football thrown to me from as little as three feet away.


• Throw a ball. I managed a weak lateral once, but there are no beautiful spirals being thrown from my hand.


• Catch a punt. I came close twice, but no actual catch.


• Run the ball. In my one carry tonight (a basic handoff play), I lost five yards for the team. Couldn't even get back to the line of scrimmage.


• Protect my quarterback. I believe he was sacked 4 times on my watch.


• Tackle. I had quite the time trying to actually get the flag, and the one time I did, I pulled the player's flag before she caught the ball, making it harder for another team member to find the other flag to bring her down.

Conveniently, it looks like I'm capable of snapping, so I might still have a future on the team. And they need four girls on the field at all times. Maybe next time we can score at least once, and finish out the game without the refs declaring a mercy rule ending to the madness.

There are a couple of things to be aware of in Heather-land: I'm not big, I'm not fast, and I have no depth perception. Not sure what made me think I could play football (and, ha ha, as a center no less??). I also always wonder about the other teams in a beginner league. They always seem like they've played before, and are just trying to clean up in the easy league. Maybe we really are that bad, so it's a good thing we all still have our day jobs.