Who's The Big Baby?

I am blessed beyond measure, and there are so many reasons why I was so close to not having what I have today. Caleb was so early, that if he'd been born 50 years ago or in a country with less fancy medical care, he would be dead. During my pregnancy, I had low progesterone, and required supplements in order to keep him around and growing. The previous pregnancy wasn't so lucky. How did I convince RB to marry me? And move to Austin? And love me when I was going through the mental torment that was getting divorced? And it keeps going. But mostly, my days are just stuffed full of feelings of overwhelming thankfulness that all those turns came together to give me what I have today.

And so, I've become that person that cries at the drop of a hat. Movies that used to make me reflect now make me boo-hoo all over the place. I rewatched the last Harry Potter movie recently, and the whole Snape retrospective just made me bawl my eyes out. The heartwarming stories in an issue of Reader's Digest cause me to tear up. And then, most recently, I was rocking Caleb to sleep with some music on a random setting, and "Puff, the Magic Dragon" queued up. If you haven't heard this song before, here it is for you:

So, in the third verse, after Puff and Jackie Paper have been having a frolicky good time for years, Jackie no longer has the time or imagination for Puff.

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

And that verse just got to me. The idea that a little boy would grow up and cease to care about his dragon and that dragon would lose his will to be dragon-like? Heartbreaking. My little Caleb will grow up to not have time or interest in his momma and this perfect family we've got going on here? No way. Can't even imagine that.

Torturing Caleb

One of the pieces of advice I was given at my shower was:

"Don't try to make a happy baby happier."

I ended up having Caleb the next day (story for some other time), but I remembered this little gem. As he's gotten older and more interactive, he is definitely a happy baby. We enjoy talking to him and dive bombing him and whatever, and he just smiles and laughs. He only cries if he's tired or hungry, so we can usually manage to help him out with one or the other, and otherwise he's content to be sitting in his chair in the kitchen with us, or laying on the couch, or pretty much whatever.

And so, I don't try to make him happier. We aren't changing formulas or his bedtime routine or worrying about whether he's sleeping in his crib or our bed. However, I do seem to be trying to test just how happy he really is. How do I do that? By torturing him frequently. These are some of the things I do to try and make him an unhappy baby.

• Clip his fingernails. Mostly I try to clip his nails while he's sleeping so he doesn't move while I do it. However, sometimes he wakes up a little, and I have clipped his little finger skin instead. And, clearly, that hurts. And he whimpers for a minute or two, and then he's good again. FAIL
• Give him his vitamins. If you smelled these things, you'd see why he makes a face. The smell is very familiar, so I'm sure I had these same vitamins, and I remember eventually just giving in, since I wasn't going to be allowed to not have them. Caleb is getting there, already. So, after making that face, he swallows the thick brown liquid and goes back to finish up his bottle quite contentedly. FAIL
• Wake him up in the morning. I try to let him sleep until he wakes up, but during the week, a girl has got to get to work. So, sometimes I have to rouse the little man from a deep slumber. Five minutes later I'll be changing his diaper or clothes and he'll look at me and flash me an enormous grin. FAIL
• Give him breathing treatments. He has had this same cough for going on six weeks. I kept taking him to the doctor, and eventually she decided it was bad enough and persistent enough that it was time for medicine. So, we have a nebulizer for administering treatments that are supposed to help us finally kick this cough. And while they are helping (slowly, but helping), he does not like that mask thing when we put it on his face. After 5 minutes or so, though, he settles in, snuggles up, and falls asleep. FAIL
• Take him to get shots. Eh. These are more stressful for me than for him. The first time he cried for nearly a minute. This last time? He didn't cry at all. FAIL

I'm sure there are other things, but these are the ones I can think of this morning while in my sleepy fog. And I will do a lot more things than this over the years (geesh! I haven't even dropped him yet -- give me time!). Don't worry...I know how lucky I am to have this little boy with a sweet disposition in my life. Here's hoping that continues into his teenage years.

Responding Responsively

Continuing in my Online Bible Study on the book "Greater", this week we are looking at the life of Elisha. Not Elijah, the one everyone knows, but Elisha, his successor. I knew he was a prophet, and I knew he watched Elijah being taken up to heaven in a chariot, but beyond that, I really didn't remember much of anything about him. In reading about Elisha's calling, there were several other stories that came to mind. Let's start with this passage from 1 Kings about God calling Elisha through Elijah:

"Elijah passed by him and cast his cloak upon him. And he left the oxen and ran after Elijah." (1 Kings 19:19b-20a)

First, I'm wondering if I were Elisha, would I know what that cloak being thrown on me meant? Or would I slink out of it thinking, "Ew. I hope that dude doesn't have lice!" and go back to those plowing oxen. However, I'm forced to notice that whole thing about Elisha running after Elijah.

Check out this passage, from Matthew, about the calling of Simon Peter and Andrew to be Jesus' disciples:

"Immediately they left their nets and followed him." (Matthew 4:20)

There's a speed word there, too -- "immediately." Not once they were done fishing for the day, not after they'd cleaned and sold the fish they were in the process of catching, not this weekend. Immediately.

Then, I was thinking about the night that God called to Samuel, which he mistook for voice of the priest, Eli. Was he speedy about his response, too?

"Then the Lord called Samuel, and he said, 'Here I am!' and ran to Eli." (1 Samuel 3:4-5a)

There's that word "ran" again -- all these people running to the call of God. And then, of course, there's what happens when God's call isn't heeded:

"Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, 'Arise, go to Nineveh...'. But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord." (Jonah 1:1-2a,3a)

He went fast, just in the wrong direction. I feel sad about the amount of time I've spent in my life going the wrong direction. Sometimes, that's because I didn't understand what I needed to do, but sometimes I was just like Jonah and willfully disobedient. It may have taken a while, but I think I'm back on a path closer to what God wants for me. I still have some course correction needed, but at least I don't think I need a 180 anymore. I still need some help discerning what a cloak being thrown on me might mean, but I'm becoming more open to not just dropping it to the ground.

We were given three topics to choose from for the BlogHop for this OBS. I'll tell you, I was planning to write about a time I heard God's voice and how I knew it was Him and what I did in response. However, as I started writing, I kept coming back to this topic about responding at once. Do you think that's God's voice trying to tell me something? I think I better get ready to jump!

It's Time for Greater

I have launched into my first online Bible study after reading about them for a while. In this study, we're reading the book "Greater" by Steve Furtick, and each week we have assignments and discussions around the chapters of the book.

While it took me a little longer to dust off this blog and get in back in working order (there sure were a lot of comments in Chinese and Russian!), this post constitutes my assignment for last week. Today, I'm looking at what a "Greater" life for God would look like.

While I'm not precisely sure what God has in mind for me, I'm excited to push my way out of a mediocre life, and towards one that is better than what I'm living today. Life is pretty good right now, don't get me wrong, but I'm doing a lot of selfish living instead of watching for the indicators of what bigger things God has in store for me.

I have opportunities to do more each day -- as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, in my church, in my community. It might mean taking a meal to someone who's been sick or sending a card to someone who's celebrating a milestone. It means reaching out to pray intentionally for someone that I know is struggling, and letting them know that I've done so. It means pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone -- not shredding it quite yet, but pushing on those edges -- to speak about the wonderful things God has done for me. And maybe, just maybe, God will be able to show me how He wants to use me. And maybe I'll be ready to see it.

And that's pretty much what I'm learning as I read this book so far. It's not about being the next Billy Graham or Martin Luther. It's about listening a little better and doing a little more than I planned to each day -- building on small successes toward something I can't even imagine. So, here I am...starting small and putting this out there in the big, bad internet.

Returning

So, I'd abandoned this place of writing for a very long time. Three and a half years to be exact. Wow. Lots has changed in that time, and I think it's time to resurrect this for a few reasons. I doubt anyone is still following this thing, but in case they are, welcome back! Hmm....Here's the quick update. GB and I officially got divorced. We still keep in touch -- he's remarried with a one-year-old, and doing well -- but we're both happier not to be married to each other. Me? Well, I moved back to Austin, married this guy (I'll call him "RB") here, and had a baby (who I will call "Caleb" here) this past July. Names changed to protect the guilty, here. You never know what people do with stuff they find on the internet and all that. Anyway, it's been crazy, but the result is pretty much awesome. And now I'm back. I'm pretty sure this blog will look different, but it's still me.

These Things Don't Happen

Yesterday afternoon, I was on my weekly conference call with some folks in the New York University office. About 20 minutes into the conversation, one of the NYU folks made a comment about some sort of thunderous noise that seemed to shake the building. But they laughed it off that they must be exaggerating. Two minutes later, the fire alarm went off in their building, and the call was cut short as they evacuated.

Those of us on this side of the call had no idea what happened, but eventually the news caught up and filled us in:

Parking attendant survives three-story fall in SUV

That's right. A car fell out of a parking garage and crashed into my customer's office building, damaging their work area on the first floor. We heard from them this morning: they are working from home today. Wild.

Friday Random Ten

"Dream Attack" by New Order on Technique
"The Voice of God" by 4Him on The Basics of Life
"Touch of the Master's Hand" by Wayne Watson on How Time Flies
"Existential Blues" by Tom "T-Bone" Stankus on Dr. Demento 20th Anniversary Collection
"Concerto No. 1 in E flat" by Franz Liszt on Favourite Piano Concertos
"Total Devotion" by When In Rome on When In Rome
"Jamie G. " by Joe Jackson on Laughter & Lust
"Satisfied" by PFR* on Goldie's Last Day
"Telling Me to Go" by Kaiser Chiefs on Telling Me to Go - Single
"Come To Me" by Bobby McFerrin on Simple Pleasures

This was an odd little collection, but I really enjoyed it. I especially like the juxtaposition of "Satisfied" with "Telling Me to Go." Those two things go together, indeed.

* Acts I've seen live

Friday Random Ten

"Gardening At Night" by R.E.M. on Eponymous
"Weight of the World" by Erasure on The Innocents
"No One Loves Me Like You" by Jars of Clay* on If I Left The Zoo
"18th Floor Balcony/It's Just Me" by Blue October on Foiled
"Oh Very Young" by Cat Stevens on Greatest Hits
"Missionary Man" by Eurythmics on Greatest Hits
"What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye on The Big Chill
"Rain Down" by Delirious? on World Service
"HypoCrites" by Anything Box on Peace
"Boogie Shoes" by K.C. & The Sunshine Band on Saturday Night Fever

Other than a very few tracks, we've gone seriously retro this week. I guess iTunes was getting me ready to meet with middle-aged clients for three days starting Sunday. And that nice long Blue October track is prepping me for their show at Stubbs next Friday night. I really appreciate inanimate computer programs looking out for me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

* Acts I've seen live

1 of 4

The second weekend of the tournament is now complete, and I only picked 1 of the Final Four. Preposterous! How can UNC be the only school I expected to see at this point in these games? At the beginning of this weekend's games, I switched gears from rooting for my bracket to rooting for the underdog in virtually every matchup. Because a messy bracket means a happy Heather. I think it's probably like betting against your team in a big game. If they win, you don't even care that you lost the money, and if they lose, you have a payout instead.

And so, I'm having a blast watching this year's tournament fun. The games, for the most part, have been really great -- tight contests with high energy and unexpected performances. This is the part of the year when coaches and players lay everything they have out on the court and see if it's enough. And lay it out there they have. Awesome game yesterday, Villanova! Great game today, Michigan State! There were so many last weekend, I can't even name them all, but if we can keep the underdogs winning, I will be quite the happy camper. Three seed to win it all, anyone?

Friday Random Ten

"If We Are the Body" by Casting Crowns on Casting Crowns
"A Fifth of Beethoven" by Walter Murphy on Saturday Night Fever
"F.O.D." by Green Day on Dookie
"I Eat Cannibals" by Toto Coelo on Living In Oblivion
"Let You Down" by Dave Matthews Band on Crash
"Pancho and Lefty" by Merle Haggard on His Epic Hits: The First Eleven
"Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver on The Very Best of John Denver
"Annie's Song" by John Denver on The Very Best of John Denver
"I'm Gonna Love You Too" by Buddy Holly & The Crickets on From the Original Master Tapes
"Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac on Greatest Hits

This is a pretty "Greatest Hits"-heavy set, but I liked it anyway. And, since I'm feeling under the weather, that's about all the commentary I can manage.

* Acts I've seen live

Dividing the House(hold)

The house is the only really complicated thing that we have to figure out how to handle. We only bought it a year ago, and while the market in Santa Barbara hasn't tanked like it has in other parts of California, I seriously doubt we could break even at this point. So, we'll probably refinance it (which was the plan when we originally purchased) to something a little more manageable for one or the other of us (most likely with renters), and the other will officially move out. It would seem obvious that I would be the one to move out, since GB actually has a job there and I don't, but looks can be deceiving. He's on the short list for a tenure-track faculty position, so that could mean he'd be moving, and I'd be the one to take over the homestead. Ugh. I hate limbo. I'm ready to make some decisions and move forward. He should hear on that in the next couple of weeks, and then we'll go from there.

We also have a lot of other stuff that we've accumulated in the last 10+ years. Excessive accumulation has occurred in the book department. We have four full bookshelves of books, as well as the boxes of books that we've never had a place for. I guess that happens when many Friday nights were spent at bookstores. I think when we moved out from Austin, we had 20 boxes of just books.

And then GB told me about a dream he had last week. Apparently, in the dream, we were trying to divide up all the stuff, and we were fighting about it. Not fighting about who was going to get anything in particular, but about who was going to HAVE to take stuff.
"No, no, no. Like hell I'm going to take the books."
"Well I don't want the f*ing books!"
"Goddammit, you *have* to take them. 'Cause I sure as hell don't want them!"
"If you're going to be that way about it...You have to take the house if I take the books."

And I just laughed and laughed. Partly because I am really enjoying laughing again, and partly out of relief. The subconscious mind does some crazy stuff while sorting through things, and this little subconscious moment in GB's head says that we can probably work this all out as adults. It really shouldn't be that hard for us to do as reasonable humans, but this was the first indicator that we might not be completely crazy for trying approach this as a mediated (rather than all-lawyered-up) divorce.

Basketball Therapy

This past weekend, I had the most fun I've had in an extremely long time. I took Thursday and Friday off of work, and spent 4 full days watching basketball, basketball and more basketball. I've never actually taken the days off work -- always just was unproductive for the day keeping up with four games at a time. Forty-eight games in four days just doesn't leave a whole lot of time for much of anything else. But it was an absolute blast.

Part of the greatness of the weekend, though, didn't have anything to do with basketball. Recently, I had reconnected with an old friend from college, and on a whim we decided to get together to watch all the games of the first weekend. So I drove up to Dallas on Wednesday night, and I couldn't believe how easily we just jumped back in like no time ever passed. It was the most comfortable I've felt in my own skin in such a long time. I was reminded I used to be funny -- witty, silly, dorky (of course), but mostly I just hadn't remembered being laughed with in so long.

Overall, it was just a perfect vacation weekend. And those two overtime games were about as awesome as they could have been.

Radio Silence

During the last five months, I have pretty much been at a loss for what to write. Without knowing what we were going to do, I found myself loathe to write about the massive amounts of vitriol coursing through my veins. I didn't want to have to backtrack out of really horrible things that I would have said about GB, and I do have some family that reads this little chronicle. If we would have decided to reconcile, that would have made for some awfully awkward family gatherings afterward.

That doesn't mean that I need to spew it all now. I just feel the need to explain that even though I've been the biggest blog-slacker on the internet for a long time, It has nothing to do with a lack of desire to write or any sort of abandonment of this medium. I just learned that whole if-you-can't-say-something-nice-don't-say-anything-at-all lesson too well growing up. Well, maybe not completely. But enough to know that I only had over-the-top horrible things to say, as opposed to normally horrible.

I did write, just things that aren't meant for public consumption. It was all really boring and tedious, but to sum up: lots of self-loathing, lots of pain, lots of crying, lots of depression, some self-destructive behavior, lots of really pathetic crap, decision made, weight lifted. I think I'm already starting to be a bit less of a raging lunatic in the office. I just have a bit more emotional reserve to deal with some of the really stupid questions that come my way without having to take that out on the people asking them.

And mostly, I really miss being the giddy, happy, silly person I used to be before all of this. I'm looking forward to finding her again.

Next Steps

GB and I have decided to get a divorce. Not terribly surprising, I suppose, but a difficult decision nonetheless. There are lots of logistical decisions yet to be made, and we'll work through them. In the meantime, I'm very much at peace with this first decision in the process. I'm not precisely sure what direction this little spot on the internet will take. But, then, I'm not real sure which direction my life will be going. Perhaps you'll come along for the ride?

Friday Random Ten

"Love" by John Lennon on The John Lennon Collection
"Solid As The Rock" by Michael English on Michael English
"Two Of A Kind, Working On A Full House" by Garth Brooks on The Hits
"Here In America" by Rich Mullins* on A Liturgy, A Legacy & A Ragamuffin Band
"Back to Where I Was" by Eric Hutchinson* on Sounds Like This
"Walkin' After Midnight" by Madeleine Peyroux on Dreamland
"Sur: Regreso Al Amor" by Yo-Yo Ma on Soul of the Tango: The Music of Astor Piazzolla
"When I Am Gone" by 4HIM on 4 Him
"All These Days Undone" by Anything Box on Peace
"Pilgrim" by Enya on A Day Without Rain

I'm really enjoying the recent discovery of Eric Hutchinson. I went and saw OAR a couple weeks ago at Austin Music Hall. I'm not a big OAR fan -- I certainly couldn't name any of their songs. However, a friend had two tickets and his +1 backed out on him, so I graciously agreed to make sure that other ticket didn't go unused. Okay, so I wasn't so gracious. I'd seen OAR before at Stubbs, and I remembered feeling really out of place. Pretty much everyone at the show was under 21 and most were still in highschool, so I was the oldest person there by about 10 years. Put that together with seeing a band I didn't know, and it was a generally awkward evening. With that experience under my belt, I wasn't real gung-ho about going, but I had no other plans, so I went.

However, this show was a totally different show than the Stubbs show. For starters, the crowd was older, and I didn't feel so out of place as the only person without an "X" on my hand. Also, somehow I've never seen a show at AMH, and it was a very cool venue. Nice lighting, great acoustics, et cetera. And it helped that the opening act came out with lots of energy and talented musicians and catchy tunes. He was pretty poppy and looked like one of the Beatles, but it was a lot of fun to listen to. We had to look him up later to see who it was (I guess we missed the introduction), but I went ahead and picked up his CD. This particular track isn't his most catchy, but I like it.

I tend to have better luck with opening bands and relative unknowns than I've had with headliners. I'm planning to go see two complete unknowns tomorrow. Maybe that will result in a few more new favorites.

* Acts I've seen live

Greatest Review Comment Ever

My review this week was generally pretty darn good. However, when we got to the section where we talk about what I need to work on, I got this priceless gem:

"You should really be more cheerful."

Friday Random Ten

"I'm Gonna Love You Too" by Buddy Holly & The Crickets on The Original Master Tapes
"Santa Brought Me Clothes" by Trout Fishing in America* on Merry Fishes to All
"Everywhere I Go" by Amy Grant on The Collection
"Love Song For A Savior" by Jars of Clay* on Jars of Clay
"Star Trekkin'" by The Firm on Dr. Demento 20th Anniversary Collection
"Lord of All" by Carman on The Absolute Best
"Everything I Said" by The Cranberries on No Need To Argue
"Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves" by Eurythmics on Greatest Hits
"Tell Him" by The Exciters on The Big Chill soundtrack
"Where the Streets Have No Name (Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by Pet Shop Boys on Discography: The Complete Singles Collection

Eclectic. Eclectic, indeed. Extra credit to anyone who can write a comment that uses all ten titles in three sentences or less.

* Acts I've seen live

Friday Random Ten

"I'm Your Captain" by Grand Funk on Discovery Rock Classics
"The Thrill Is Gone" by B.B. King on B.B. King Anthology
"Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay* on Jars of Clay
"You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" by Madeleine Peyroux on Careless Love
"She Loves the Sunset" by Old 97's on Blame It On Gravity
"Lovesick Blues" by Madeleine Peyroux on Dreamland
"Heaven Or Hell" by Alphaville on The Breathtaking Blue
"How Can I Tell You" by Cat Stevens on Footsteps In The Dark
"I Hold Your Hand In Mine" by Tom Lehrer on Song & More Songs
"Disco Inferno" by The Trammps on Saturday Night Fever

Hmmmm. I wish I haad something better to say about this collection. Not terrible, exactly, but not good, either.

* Acts I've seen live

A Little Bit Lost

I just wish I knew whether this is the getting worse before it gets better part of the separation, or the beginning of the end.

Either way, it sucks.

Friday Random Ten

"Work" by Jars of Clay* on Good Monsters
"Out Of This World" by Michael W. Smith* on Change Your World
"More To This Life" by Stephen Curtis Chapman on The Live Adventure
"Peace (A Communion Blessing from St. Joseph's Square)" by Rich Mullins* on A Liturgy, A Legacy, & A Ragamuffin Band
"Stay Out Of My Arms" by George Strait on Easy Come Easy Go
"Being Boring" by Pet Shop Boys on Discography: The Complete Singles Collection
"The Dream" by Mannheim Steamroller on Fresh Aire IV
"The Big Wheel (Squeeze Box Shuffle)" by Clifton Chenier on Zydeco Essentials
"Can't Get There From Here" by R.E.M. on Eponymous
"Spider's Fence" by Trout Fishing In America* on Truth Is Stranger Than Fishin'

It does seem that there should be more to this life than work. I have just been boring for so long and I can't get interesting from here. Perhaps I can find peace in my dreams where I hang out by the big wheel on the spider's fence (as long as they stay out of my arms).

* Acts I've seen live