I really wanted to write a good ring-in-the-new-year post. One of those that looks back at the completed 2008 fondly and looks forward to the new 2009 with hope and excitement. Except I couldn't do it. I'd rather just pretend the day never happened, and that I'm suspended in 200x. Time will resume when I know what's going on.
Marking a new year is supposed to be a time for resolutions and planning. At least that's always how I've used it. Unfortunately, at this particular calendar page turn, I can't really set goals very far into the future. I have decided to do a half-marathon in February, but after that, things get a bit hazy. At least I know that the end of 2009 will be more settled than the end of 2008. I don't know what it will look like, but I won't be in transitional housing and I will be able to move forward. I'll either be single (or in the process of a divorce) or I'll be reconciled, but it will nice to be out of limbo.
I just have an over-developed planning gene, and I can't use it. Actually, that's not completely true. I have been running through possible scenarios for the future so much over the last couple of weeks that I'm all trained up for the thirteen miles next month. I just have to work through the possible scenarios in my head, so I can know how to deal with them if/when they come up. One of my favorite defense mechanisms is having decisions made ahead of time, so I can have my response all planned up. Otherwise the stress of the surprise is paralyzing. I hate being caught off-guard with bad news, so the vast majority of the scenarios are the worst possible things I can think could happen. Something about knowing how I would handle those things allows me to know that I could handle them, and that makes them easier. So, the converse is that if I haven't thought about it ahead of time, when the bad-thing-I-never-imagined happens, then I'm not sure I can make it through it. Wow. It sounds really pathetic when I explain it that way. Conveniently, I feel pretty pathetic these days.
So, while I don't want to talk about the separation, I also don't have the drive to write about much else. You've probably noticed I never got around to the stories of the roommate interviews or the encounters with/observations of people on the bus. It's not because they were't interesting. It's more because I would type up one line of post, and then I couldn't make myself type any more than that, and it's hard to tell a story in one sentence or less. I have been writing a lot in my personal "journal", just nothing I can really post here at this time.
I hope you all had less conflicted and complicated new year's transitions.
The Life We Bury
1 week ago